The Idiot in Me.

I would light up, then cough, then curse, then declare my hate for cigarettes and the fact I had actually quit for 6 weeks only to relapse.

How quickly the illusion of wanting to be a smoker disappears once you actually become one again. That dirty cigarette, the one I had so desperately missed while having my morning coffee was exactly how I remembered it.

Twenty minutes of pain, alongside an unsatisfied hunger for nicotine.
I would cough uncontrollably, at least until my lungs were cleared just enough for it to be physically possible to draw back on that sweet smelling, fresh, tar filled smoke.

It really was painful.

Of course, the first few days of smoking weren’t so bad. After all, my previous attempt to quit smoking had allowed me to clear out a good portion of the brown and black tar that coated my lungs.

Obviously, this didn’t last, within weeks my smokers cough had become worse than ever.

I would wake at least twice during the night, barely able to breath due to a persistent, screaming itch, deep within my chest. My cough had become so horrendous and loud, that my neighbors thought I was dying.

I was.

No matter how much I hated it, I didn’t have the strength to quit. I knew I had too, and I remembered that life had actually been better when I quit. I just wasn’t ready to face the pain and do it all over again. I needed time, I needed to feel the pain of smoking and strengthen my hate for cigarettes. I needed to burn into my brain, the resentment I felt over my previous failure.

So, for six months I maintained a pattern where I would light up, then cough, then curse, then declare my hate for cigarettes and the fact I had actually quit for 6 weeks only to relapse.

My health reached a point that if I didn’t quickly change, I would probably cement a very early death. It played on my mind constantly, and it turned out, that I wasn’t the only one disturbed by such a notion.

My sister, who had perhaps been my most vocal supporter during my last campaign, sent me a text pleading me to quit smoking. Coincidentally, the previous night I had been talking over with my wife, the notion of having another quit attempt.

For several weeks, my resolve to quit had been growing, so on receiving that message, I sat down, lit a smoke, then replied with my own message.
It was time to prepare and this time it was going to be for real.

For two weeks, my sister continued to send a daily text, “Quit Smoking,” to which I replied “10/08/2011.”

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  1. Carrie Wilbur says:

    This was my first attempt to quit. I have been smoking since 10 years old and turned 30 this year. I decided on Sunday March 4th 2012. I was doing great until I had a dream last night and it was great! So this morning I woke up fighting the urge,well a few hours into my bad it went from bad to worse. I could no longer resist when my neighbor knocked on my door and guess what she was doing…yep smoking I fell. I felt completely weak. I am not a weak person I have overcome so much in my life and I felt like a complete failure!

  2. Thanks for the comment Carrie!

    To have only had one quit attempt and made it last for 12 days is an awesome effor! It shows you have the heart, courage and resilience to make this happen.

    I suggest reading up much as possible and talking to as many ex smokers as you can. They are the ultimate advocates for stopping smoking.

    The upside of your quit attempt, is that you discovered a weakness. Now you can come up with a plan to prevent it from happening again 🙂 Maybe ask the neighbor to not light up around you for a while?

    Stay strong!

  3. I was wondering, what age were you when quit Cameron?

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